Why Therapy Isn’t Working & What To Do About It
So you've been doing some therapy for a while now. You started for a reason. But here you are, several weeks, months, or maybe even years into the process and it doesn't feel like it's working. Or maybe it's worked to some degree, but you’ve plateaued. Whatever the case, you feel something is amiss, but you can’t quite put your finger on it. The purpose of this blog is to help you get the clarity you need so you can know how to move forward productively and reach the goals you came to therapy for in the first place. That way you aren’t wasting your time and money on something that’s not working.
FIRST YOU NEED TO GET CLEAR ON WHY YOU STARTED THERAPY AND WHAT YOU REALLY WANTED OUT OF IT
Why did you come in the first place? What were you hoping deep deep down to get from it? What did you want so much that you were willing to shell out your hard-earned money, sacrifice your precious time, and talk about uncomfortable things with a total stranger? Stop reading for a moment and REALLY ask yourself these questions, and write down the answers. After you’ve done that, keep reading and I’m going to take you through a more thorough process to get you to clarity. So grab a pen and paper and let’s get started.
The Way You Think
First, you’ll want to ask yourself how you wanted to change on the THINKING level when you started therapy. Did you want to stop assuming the worst and start trusting people more? Did you want to have more confidence and fewer negative, self-defeating thoughts? Consider what kinds of thoughts you wanted to start having more or less of. Write them down.
How You Feel
Next, take a look at how you wanted to FEEL different. Did you want more peace, less fear, and less stress? Did you want to feel more connected to your loved ones or to yourself? Identify what feelings you wanted more of and which feelings you wanted to have less of. If you look closely, you’ll notice that you have about 3-4 positive feelings and 3-4 negative feelings that you feel the majority of the time. What are they? Feelings can become very unconscious and habitual. Do you feel irritable a lot? Impatient? What feeling habits have you created? Write them down.
Responses and Behaviors
Thirdly, take a good look at what you wanted to change in terms of your BEHAVIOR. Did you want to learn how to respond more calmly to your snarky teenager instead of acting like one yourself by rolling your eyes back at them, getting sarcastic, or losing your temper? Did you want to be able to keep more of your commitments instead of bailing out and making excuses? Maybe you want to get up earlier and work out or stop scrolling through social media so much and do something more meaningful with your time.
Your Desired Results From Therapy
Lastly, think about the ultimate RESULT you wanted from going to therapy. Did you want to create a loving, connected relationship with someone important to you, instead of the shallow or strained relationship you’ve had? Did you want to finish an important goal that you kept quitting on, like losing weight, finishing a degree, or starting a business? Did you want to learn how to set healthy boundaries so you could stop feeling resentful and irritable all the time and actually enjoy your relationships more without all the drama?
If you wrote all this down you should now have some clarity about why you really started therapy and what you wanted out of it.
Now let’s get you clear on WHY you haven’t reached that goal yet.
ARE YOU THE PROBLEM OR IS YOUR THERAPIST THE PROBLEM?
There are some common pitfalls that both therapy clients and therapists make. I’ll describe both so that you can clearly see where the breakdown is happening, which will then make the way forward obvious.
There are three big mistakes I see the client’s innocently making when they start therapy. The first is that they either have an unattainable goal and/or are unconsciously seeking a quick fix to a problem. The second is that they have an unrealistic expectation for how long it will take to solve their problem. And the third one is that what they think they want isn’t what they actually want, so they're essentially going in the wrong direction the whole time they’re in therapy.
Common Mistake Number One
Here’s an example of mistake number one. You start therapy because you have a lot of anxiety and you’re tired of it. You think that therapy will help you fix your anxiety once and for all. That’s an unattainable goal because feelings can’t be fixed. Anxiety shows up for a reason. So coming to therapy to “solve” anxiety is about as realistic as putting a bucket under a leaky roof and believing you’ve stopped the leak in your roof. The bucket can stop the floor from getting wet, which is a temporary band-aid, but to stop the water from dripping you’ll have to find the source of the leak and fix it. Emotions are like water hitting the ground. They're just the effect, not the cause. So in this case you would need to shift your goal from fixing, “getting over” or “overcoming” your emotions to learning to understand and work WITH them.
The Second Common Mistake With Therapy
The second mistake, having an unrealistic timeline, looks two different ways. Either people think something will take years to resolve that in fact can be resolved in a much shorter period of time, or they think they're going to resolve something in a matter of weeks that in reality will take longer than that. Now, this issue I've put this in the category of the client’s mistake, but in reality, it’s both the therapist's and the client’s mistake. You, as the client need to be aware of whether or not you are progressing and you need to be able to communicate that to your therapist if you’re not. But the therapist should also really be able to tune into the effectiveness of what’s happening in the therapeutic exchange each week and should be adjusting accordingly. So, the takeaway here is if you don’t feel like you’re happy with your progress trust that feeling and have the courage to talk to your counselor about it to see what needs to change. If you have the right therapist for you then you will leave that conversation feeling clear and empowered about the direction you are headed in future sessions. If the conversation falls flat and you feel the same as before then that’s probably an indication that you need to move on and find a different therapist.
HOW TO SPOT A GOOD THERAPIST
Here is a list of verbs and phrases that are at the heart of what you as the client will experience when you are with a skilled and effective therapist who is also a good fit for you personally. They will provoke, ignite, spark, inspire, challenge, educate, bring to conscious awareness that which is unconscious, and raise your level of consciousness. Now let me qualify all of these by saying that the foundation for all of this is you, the client feeling a sense of safety, in the room. But that feeling of safety doesn’t take time to create. It’s created in how the therapist is from the moment you meet them.
What About When The Therapist Is Not A Good Fit?
So what are the core things that happen when a therapist is not very skilled or effective? They will tend to:
Listen to you go on and on about your childhood
Let you cry over and over again about how unhappy you are
Let you avoid difficult emotions or conversations through various diversions like humor or focusing on other people’s issues
Listen to you vent about how angry you are with some injustice,
Let you complain about how unfair life is,
Endure you ranting about what an idiot your roommate, uncle, or co-worker is
Let you analyze session after session the “why” of everything, without really getting anywhere.
Now some of you reading this might nod your head and admit you’ve done some of this and others reading this might think they never do this but the truth is that we all do this sometimes and there really isn’t anything wrong with any of it. We’re all human. It happens. And sometimes we just really need to vent or get something off our chests. But a good therapist won’t let it go on for too long and will know how to turn it on its head and use it for your growth and benefit. A less skilled or effective counselor will put up with it, endure it, or just plain zone out.
HOW DO I KNOW IF THERAPY IS WORKING FOR ME OR NOT?
There are a lot of misunderstandings that people have about what good counseling is really about, so I’m going to clearly state it here. Good therapy is evident because you will feel yourself growing, learning, changing, and ultimately becoming a more conscious, loving, healthy, and empowered human being. Good counseling helps you shed old, worn out, inauthentic layers of self-judgment and shallow aspirations and helps you connect with and become your most real “you”. And you’ll know you’re getting there if you begin to THINK, FEEL, BEHAVE and DO differently. If therapy is working you’ll feel it in your bones. You’ll experience your consciousness expanding. You’ll have insights. You’ll build solid skills that will make you a better communicator, a better mom, a better partner, and a happier human being. Now don't get me wrong. It won’t always look pretty or “feel good” because it can get pretty messy in the middle of this kind of work, just like a cake doesn’t really look like a cake at all in the middle of the process. But you can mostly FEEL it when you’re making movement TOWARDS this more authentic you.
SO WHAT DO I DO IF THERAPY ISN’T WORKING FOR ME?
First of all, you need to listen to and trust yourself. If it doesn’t feel like it’s working then don’t doubt yourself. It’s time to do something. First, you’ll want to communicate with your therapist if you feel something isn’t quite clicking. If you have a great therapist they won’t take it personally. They’ll want to know this. They’ll want to work through it with you and if they can’t help you any more than they have, then they can refer you out to someone else that can, or give you some advice on a different direction you can try. And the reality is that sometimes you can have a great counselor that just isn’t the right fit for YOU. Other times you might just have a therapist that isn’t very skilled. But ultimately this is YOUR money, time, and energy, so don’t be afraid to find someone new if it’s just not working.
TIPS ON FINDING THE RIGHT THERAPIST
Having been a therapist who has both succeeded and failed in this work and who has sought to constantly learn, grow and improve my own skills, I can most certainly give you some pointers to look for so that you can find the right one for YOU.
First, do you want someone who is very linear and organized, that will follow a very specific protocol with specific homework assignments and lots of structure? Or do feel like you would do better with a therapist that is more intuitive and brings more of a connection, flow, and expansion into sessions? Do you want them to follow your lead or do you want them to have a strong sense of direction and leadership that they bring to the sessions? Or maybe you need something in between?
In my own experience as a therapist, I started out learning a lot of protocols and doing a lot of strategies and “exercises” but as I became more skilled and confident in the work I was able to become more fluid with the sessions and less structured. But that’s just the kind of therapist I am when I’m at my best. Some counselors might be at their best by using more structured exercises and processes. The important thing is to know what YOUR best looks like and feels like. I’d say that if you are not feeling movement and progress and a sense of connection with your therapist after about 3-4 sessions, have a conversation with them about it and move on if you feel like it’s not working. Your future self will thank you for having had the courage to do so.
Want to Start Therapy & Feel Progress In Las Vegas, NV?
Whether you have tried therapy in the past and you felt like it didn’t work or you are working with a counselor who isn’t a right fit for you there are options. I offer a free 30-minute consultation so we can take the time to discuss your goals for counseling and see if I am going to be the right Las Vegas therapist for you. If you are ready to take the steps to see if counseling at Stillpoint Therapy is right for you follow these steps.
If I am the right fit for you schedule your first appointment
Start making progress in therapy and being your authentic self
Other Counseling & Life Coaching For Women I Offer In Las Vegas, Nevada
You can find counseling both in-person in Las Vegas and online throughout Nevada and Utah for women at all stages of life at Sillpoint Therapy. I provide therapy for moms, single woman, empty-nesters, and step-parents. Additionally, I offer individual counseling for spirituality, anxiety, trauma, and relationship issues. Besides being a therapist I am also a life coach with options for life coaching for women and enneagram coaching.
